|Developed by:||Lion Game Lion|
Now, as a
amateur hack professional games journalist, I feel it is incumbent upon me when reviewing a game to do my very best to complete it, or at least to play a healthy portion of it, such that I can form a balanced and fair opinion that does it justice. Sure, I’m unlikely to see the final screen of Asteroids or Gauntlet, but for those mission based games with a clearly defined structure, my task is a little clearer. Plough on through grim determination, whether fair or foul, in order to deliver to you, dear reader, the very best of my gaming exploits.
So, yeah I didn’t make it past the first mission of this travesty.
Where better to start than at the beginning. As the name implies, we are in WWII territory here. With the Nazi’s on the verge of winning, it is up to your band of rag tag misfits to get behind enemy lines and blah, blah, blah. Look there’s John Cleese! Look, there’s blood and people on fire! Look, there’s ‘funny’ dialogue!
And look, there’s a really crap game. Let’s walk through the one level I managed to stomach. After getting the tutorial out of the way and establishing our base of operations, we are tasked with entering some base or other and blowing the crap out of a big airship. You can opt to sneak in, stealthing your way up to guards and giving them a Chelsea smile, or you can go loud and storm in all guns blazing. Despite my best efforts, I ended up going loud and embarking on a firefight.
The mission involves exploding our way into a barracks, letting off some gas (so to speak) and then using a big mounted gun to shoot down the airship, before making a swift getaway. A standard type of set up but it is in the detail where things start to go horribly wrong. Targeting seems to be a real issue. I get that staring down the scope is going to offer greater accuracy than firing blind but at times it seemed impossible to shoot someone unless they were standing next to me. And close quarters shooting is the name of the game here as enemy grunts gormlessly run straight up to you, standing literally right in front of your face, patiently waiting for you to reload your gun before shooting them square in the bread basket. If this is the calibre of their soldiers it’s no wonder the Nazi’s lost the war.
Weapons generally are unsatisfying to fire. Earning XP presumably unlocks weapons you can add to your loadout but why bother when action is so dull. I spent a good hour or so wandering round the first mission, completely lost by the dreadfully unhelpful guide arrow and not finding much of interest on my travels. Pick ups are plentiful, with ammo and health packs sufficient to see you through but despite gunning down a plethora of grunts, I didn’t find an opportunity to pick up a new gun. Interspersed around the level are fixed gun placements for gunning down multiple soldiers and I eagerly docked myself in place, carefully watching enemy movements, lining them up behind a conveniently placed barrel before unloading into it and…nothing. No explosions. No destructible scenery. What sort of FPS doesn’t give you crates, barrels and windows to shoot out? What type of shooter doesn’t encourage and reward mass casualties from creative use of on screen implements of death? What sort of FPS gives you multiple, repeat spawning flame thrower enemies and doesn’t give you the opportunity to prise said flamer out of his cold dead hands and turn it on his unsuspecting comrades?
I’ll tell you what type of game. The type of game that let’s you shoot right through the head of your squadron without causing a scratch. The type of game that doesn’t have a sprint button. The type of game that throws a continuous regenerating barrage of faceless soldiers at you. The type of game that has random doorways that don’t let you through, even though they are the exact size as the one down the corridor that allowed you to progress. They type of game that thinks spewing out the same four lines of juvenile drivel over and over (and over) again from your band of painfully stereotyped antiheroes counts as humour. And it looks crap too, like a badly done PS2 upscaling job.
Games like this either need to offer clever, tactical shooting or balls out, gung-ho gunplay, either of which should leave you feeling like a tooled up badass. This left me feeling like Ken Dodd, tickling a series of cookie cutter grunts with a feather duster. Perhaps it gets more fun as you progress through missions and unlock weapons. Perhaps it’s more fun in multiplayer, rather than the dull offline mode where your AI teammates drone on relentlessly about needing to protect the gas valves whilst standing around uselessly watching an enemy soldier take all the time in the world to switch it off. Perhaps, but I wasn’t about to waste any more time finding out.
No. It’s crap. And really annoying.